Darn Self Harm!

I still have yet to start the 10 day challenge! I feel like such a looser for taking so long to start it. I won't promise that I will start tomorrow, but instead I "hope" to actually start it tomorrow.

I have started my job at the grocery store and I work in the bakery department. I love it! We get to decorate cakes and it is just so much fun! ED also likes it since he knows I won't eat any of it and in order to make sure of that I never carry money around with me that I could spend off of food....mouahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I work from 12 to 4 it takes me 1 hours to walk there and 1 hour back, than I will go straight to the gym, where I hope to jog for 45 mins and do either 15 minutes of cycling or 30. Followed by some stretches. As for food...I don't have a plan. But I will do my best to stay hydrated.

I have been cutting more lately and it is literally getting out of hand...I could post a pic if you guys want to see...but I didn't know if I should. :P The one cut I did is quite deep and wide and I just kept playing with it....not only with a knife, but also with scissors. Listen to this...I actually cut chucks of skin out!!!!! I am too ashamed to tell my parents about it, but I really hope it can heal on its own :P I don't know....the nursing student part of me thinks that it is risky for infection and it will leave a very nasty scar and if I did show it to a doc they would do stitches. But for now I am just hoping that I can heal it on its own....I MUST STOP CUTTING!!!!!!!!

I hate this time of my life, depression, anorexia, bulimia, OCD, isolation, extreme low self esteem....I really hope to see a brighter world some day. Because if this is only going to get worse and worse....I don't think I want to be here for any longer than a year. If I keep living in a hell like this, than I am going to call it quits....time limit = one year!

Feeling really down

I really wish that I could fast forward time, because right now I feel like I am living in hell. I just don't feel happy, and simply hate who I am. I hate feeling like this, and just wish I could be free! My eating disorder is what makes me less sad and out of control, therefore I am welcoming it with my arms wide open.

Tomorrow I will be starting work which I am looking forward to. It will be from 3pm to 7pm, so no supper for me! YES!

Sorry this post is going to be really short, but I am just really down right now and not in the mood. I just want to run away! Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't exist, maybe everything would be easier that way...

Can't wait to be free!

Today went alright. As I had planned I was suppose to start my 10  day challenge, but that got moved to tomorrow as I was forced to eat in front of my parents and everything simply went downhill from there. I just got hired at a grocery store, which is perfect since it will be so much easier to skip meal times then, as I won't be home as much. Thank goodness!!!!!! I can't stand being watched all the time, it drives me nuts!

I will be starting work on Thursday, so I am really looking forward to that. It is part time, therefore I will try and exercise when i am not working (either before or after work).

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment with my "old" family doctor, that I haven't seen since I think 2008. He didn't let me explain anything and just treated me like shit, I was so mad! I miss my doctors from my real home (Calgary). There I have my doctor through the eating disorder program and also my doctor through my school. They are both very understanding and NOT RUDE!!!!!! I wish I could of just fired the doctor I saw yesterday, he didn't know at all what he was doing, and didn't even order blood work (I use to have it daily when I was inpatient for 10 days, and then weekly afterwards).

I can't wait to go back to Calgary!!!!!! I will be heading  back at the end of April. I want my freedom back, I want my life back, and most of all I want to be able to have more control over what I eat and do...instead of being interrogated by my parents all the time.

I will update you on how things go for what will be Day 1 of the challenge

Some thinspiration

Here are some pics that I found and thought I would share.

There is also particular songs that get me in the mood and motivate me. Here they are...

Courage by Superchick
Beauty from pain by Superchick
State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge
Jar of Hearts by Christina Perry
Beautiful by Bethany Dillon

10 Day Challenge

I've decided that I will try the 10 day challenge starting this coming up Tuesday. The reason I am not starting before is because I have a doctors appointment on Monday and I don't want to affect my lab results and such too much.

Here is how it works. Everyday is a total out of 80 points, you want to get the highest score possible and after 10 days you score it out of 800 points.

Here are the guidelines:

- Water
   - 2 or more liters = 20 points
   - 1 to 1.9 liters = 10 points
   - 0 to .9 liters = 0 points

- Exersise
   - 1 or more hours = 20 points
   - 30 mins to 59 mins = 10 points
   - 0 mins to 29 mins = 0 points

- Sleep
   - 8 hours = 20 points
   - 6-8 hours = 10 points
   - 0-6 hours = 0 points

- Calories
   - 0-500 calories = 20 points
   - 501-1000 = 10 points
   - 1000+ = 0 points

I am really looking forward to this challenge. I will give a day to day update on how I am doing and my scores.

I haven't been really good at staying away from food lately. Its like I am eating as if it is my last day to ever eat sort of thing. I am like a vacuum. Of course I freak out afterwards and try to purge the most possible. I got a blister on my knuckles and my mother noticed. I had to make up an excuse for it on the spot and told her that I got my hand caught on the metal thing that sticks out of the door frame....I have no idea what it is called...lol. But yeah she believed me so that was a relief.

I never use to binge and purge, I use to restrict my food intake and such and that is what I want to go back to. I hate being home for the time being since that is becoming much more of a challenge as to when I was on my own going to school. But I know I can figure out a way to make it happen. My record for the length of days that I have gone without eating is 15 days...but at the end of that I eventually had to eat since I ended up the emergency room (been there 4 times). But that won't stop me! Because thinness is what I want and I cannot stand being in my body right now...I like it when I can see my bones everywhere and I want to get back to that. Right now I am covered in layers and layers and layers of this disgusting fat. I am just so ashamed of myself! I hate it!!!!!!!!

Thinner me here I come!!!!!!!!

 This is what I looked at when I was at my lightest of 95 lbs and I want to become thinner than that. Even there there is so much fat!!!!!!! I just feel like a disgusting piece of lard :(

Start of a new journey

Tomorrow is the start of a new journey. I have decided I will go to the gym every single day. Since it is the beginning of March and there is also a brand new multiplex sport center right near my house it is the perfect opportunity! I am getting my membership tomorrow and starting right away, I can't wait!

Getting back on track...

Lately I have been weak and given in to food. I must gather my strength to stay away from it at all costs! I cannot stand living in a body that I hate! Today I decided to start a blog in order to motivate myself and stay on track. Because I know I can do this!